Not Ready
by The Fairy Princess
Summary: Dan thinks it's time that he and Phil tell the world about them. But when Phil doesn't agree, they hit strife. Is this the feud that separates them?


I look out the window of my bedroom, smiling faintly about memories from weeks ago, before I messed everything up. How was I to know that after 5 years, he still wasn't ready to admit our relationship to anyone except each other? I love him, I thought he would want the world to know, and be happy for us.

It'd been three weeks since that day, and the only conversation between us has been a distant comment, or when we put it on for the camera in our gaming videos. I don't want it to end, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me...

We had been sitting at the dining table and planning for our next few videos, and our radio show.

"I think it's time," I'd suggested.

"Time for what?" Phil had asked.

"For us to tell everyone... about us..."

He'd started laughing, and when he realised that I was being serious, his face deadpanned.

"What's the matter?" I questioned.

"It's just... I'm not ready."

"You're _not ready_? Phil, it's been five years... how much more time do we need? Half the internet are already convinced we are dating, so what is there to worry about?"

"Dan it's just... everything is going to change after we do. I want everything to stay the same. Things are great the way they are now."

"But if not now, when? In another five years?"

We argued back and forth, me providing reasons for us coming out and him saying reasons why not. We weren't getting anywhere. We were both in tears, no longer arguing about anything in particular. I hated seeing him cry, and I hated letting him cry when I could be holding him, being his support instead of the problem.

Through tear-filled eyes and with a voice that was close to breaking, Phil yelled "_I'm not ready_. I thought we were in this together, and you won't even respect my wishes. You know what? Do whatever you want. I'm going to bed." He stormed to his room, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the echoes of our fight.

What had I done?

In the time since then, we've muttered maybe one sentence to each other a day that wasn't related to the videos. There had been days when we hadn't even talked at all. I wanted to apologise, but every time I knocked on his bedroom door, there was no answer. How long would he keep this up?

We ate separately, and during the day we'd go about our own thing. I just wanted to hold him, apologise, tell him I was wrong, and we can wait as long as he needed.

I hadn't done a live show since our fight, because there's always a question asking "Where's Phil?", and I know I'd probably cry, or come close to it. The comments in the gaming videos always picked up on how distant we were. Comments like "Does anyone else sense something is wrong between these two?" would get hundreds of likes, and at least twice a week the gaming video consisted of just one of us. My heart breaks even thinking about it.

However on this night, Phil knocked on _my_ door. "Dan? Can I come in?" The voice sounded broken, shaky, miserable, just like I'm sure mine did when I told him to come in.

_Oh God, this is it_. I'd thought. _This is where we break up. _

My eyes started watering as he opened the door. Phil looked pale, sickly, with bags hanging under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't had any sleep in three weeks. He probably hadn't, I hadn't slept either. My hand went to my mouth.

"Phil..." He held up a hand to silence me.

"Dan, just hear me out before you say anything." I nodded. "I'm sick and tired of this feud that's going on between us. What happened the other week- it was a conversation that needed to happen. We're going to have to come out eventually. I know that, you know that, like you said, half the internet seems to know that-" he chuckled a shaky laugh, and my heart missed a beat. It wasn't like usual, but it was something. "What I'm trying to say is, I want everyone to know about us. I do. I just don't want it to be yet. I don't feel ready." I nodded in agreement. "That being said... I don't appreciate that you were trying to force me into something that I was clearly uncomfortable with. If we're both in this together, then decisions need to be made_ together,_ and you shouldn't be mad at me for not agreeing with you. But I can't go on like this. I _miss_ you. I miss hugging you and kissing you and the conversations we share. I want it all back. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you."

Tears were well and truly flowing by the time he finished. "I'm so, so, so sorry for what happened. I should have respected what you wanted and I shouldn't have pushed the matter. I love you, Phil. I always will. I just wanted the whole world to know. I'm sorry."

Phil was tearing up too. I walked over and pulled him into my arms.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

He kissed me on the cheek.

For the first time in three weeks, I felt alive. I kissed him, I hungered for him; my heart was beating faster than it ever has just from this simple expression of love.

We don't need the world to know about our love for it to be real. This, the closeness of two people, the warmth and happiness we get from each other's presence, _this_ is love, and boy was it real.


End file.
